tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78129461264650564402024-03-14T08:15:33.692-07:00POTTY DAYSPotty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-46276103140947132242010-10-18T06:45:00.000-07:002010-10-18T06:47:31.543-07:00HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP!Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.<br /><br />Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. <br /><br />She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being<br />an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only<br />bar one afternoon... <br /><br />She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there <br />WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!<br /><br />Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and<br />walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.<br /><br />Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's<br />house...walked home...and left it there all night !!! <br /><br />You gotta love Frank!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-11544490681213175262010-10-07T07:44:00.000-07:002010-10-07T07:48:25.759-07:00PRAISE THE LORDThe pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. <br /><br />Two months ago, my husband,Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.<br /><br />The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. <br /><br />He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.<br /> <br />"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-31892719840138254672010-10-05T04:23:00.000-07:002010-10-05T04:26:16.032-07:00GOVERNMENT PLANS FOR THE NHSJust in from my medical correspondent. The title might seem a tad boring to you but read on....<br /> <br />The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.<br /><br />The Allergists are scratching their heads, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.<br /><br />The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.<br /><br />The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.<br /><br />Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.<br /><br />Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"<br /><br />The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.<br /><br />Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn't hear of it.<br /><br />The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."<br /><br />The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.<br /><br />The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.<br /><br />In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up<br />to the arseholes in London!!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-59188410546728290992010-09-30T13:04:00.000-07:002010-09-30T13:08:05.650-07:00GATES OF HEAVENA woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. <br /><br />While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the<br />gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her<br />parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. <br /><br />They saw her and began calling greetings to her. <br />"Hello - How are you! <br />We've been waiting for you!<br />Good to see you."<br /><br />When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"<br /><br />"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."Which word?" the woman asked.<br /><br />"Love."<br /><br />The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.<br /><br />About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.<br /><br />While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.<br /><br />I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"<br /><br />"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her." I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in<br />Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?" <br /><br />"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. <br /><br />"Which word?" her husband asked.<br /><br />" Czechoslovakia ."<br /><br />Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...There will be Hell to pay<br />later!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-31448034741439054982010-09-27T01:51:00.000-07:002010-09-27T01:55:38.796-07:00THE DIVORCED BARBIE DOLL!No offence is intended to any Barbie doll lovers out there, but I am sorry this is quite funny:<br /><br />One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.<br /><br />He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'<br /><br />The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work<br />Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95,<br />Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for<br />$19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.<br /> <br />The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'<br /> <br />The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,<br />Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's<br />Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with<br />Ken's ballsPotty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-32360428767642210452010-09-27T01:32:00.000-07:002010-09-27T01:37:57.112-07:00DEAFNESSI thought that this was funny:<br /><br />A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.<br /> <br />Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.<br /> <br />The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband<br />could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.<br /> <br />Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.<br /> <br />If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."<br /> <br />That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." <br /> <br />Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"<br /><br />No response..<br /> <br />So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"<br /> <br />Still no response.<br /> <br /> <br />Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"<br /> <br />Again no response.<br /> <br />So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?" <br /> <br />Again there is no response. <br /> <br />So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?" <br /> <br />"Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"<br /><br />I know from personal experience where she is coming from!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-87700893611496720422010-09-21T07:05:00.000-07:002010-09-21T07:17:26.216-07:00WHY I AM DIVORCEDLast week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. <br /><br />I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, <br />'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. <br /><br />As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday' <br /><br />I thought.... <br /><br />Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids, they will remember... <br /><br />My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. <br />So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. <br /><br />As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good morning boss' and by the way Happy Birthday! <br /><br />It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. <br /><br />I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said 'You know, <br />It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..' <br />I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. <br />Let's go!' <br /><br />We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. <br /><br />On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,It's such a beautiful day... <br />We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?' <br /><br />I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' <br /><br />She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' <br /><br />After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, <br /><br />'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. <br />I'll be right back.' <br /><br />'Ok.' I nervously replied. <br /><br />She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, <br />she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... <br /><br />Followed by my wife,my kids,and dozens of my friends and co-workers,all singing 'Happy Birthday'. <br /><br />And I just sat there.... <br /><br />On the couch.... <br /><br />Naked.Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-75915176618475839792010-07-20T10:56:00.000-07:002010-07-20T11:00:31.662-07:00FARMING IN ENGLANDThis is quite amusing, and hopefully will appeal to any farmers out there in blogland!<br /><br />A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote<br />moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced<br />toward him out of a cloud of dust. <br /> <br />The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,<br />RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer,<br />"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will<br />you give me a calf?" <br /> <br />Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his<br />peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" <br /> <br />The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook<br />computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a<br />NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact<br />fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans<br />the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. <br /> <br />The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe<br />Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. <br /> <br />Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that<br />the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL<br />database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his<br />Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. <br /> <br />Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his<br />hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says,<br />"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." <br /> <br />"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my<br />calves," says Sid. <br /> <br />He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks<br />on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car. <br /> <br />Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you<br />exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" <br /> <br />The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,<br />"Okay, why not?" <br /> <br />"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says<br />Sid. <br /> <br />"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you<br />guess that?" <br /> <br />"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up<br />here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I<br />already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth<br />of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you<br />don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows,<br />for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ... <br /> <br />Now give me back my dog!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-30694048118169456222010-07-15T07:49:00.000-07:002010-07-15T07:56:20.183-07:00DAVID CAMERON NEEDS TO MEET SHERIFF JOEHave you heard of Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona?. After having Googled his name I think David Cameron ought to organise a meeting with him to get some new ideas.<br /> <br />There is a lot of information about Sheriff Joe on the internet, and below is just a small selection of the information about him.<br /><br />Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray<br />animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department<br />over, and the County Supervisors said OK.<br /><br />The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They<br />feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and<br />walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal<br />nutrition and behaviour. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to<br />adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given<br />them to the care of prisoners, and had them placed in dog shows.<br /><br />The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3<br />million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter<br />two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health,<br />and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78. <br />The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most<br />would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of<br />his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the<br />prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.<br /><br />I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the<br />way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge<br />farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow<br />most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and<br />harvesting by hand.<br /><br />He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer.<br />It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can<br />buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the holidays, and plant it<br />later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.<br /><br />Yup, he was re-elected last year with 83% of the vote. <br />Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and<br />vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on<br />it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations<br />and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40<br />deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his<br />hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border.<br />He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff. <br />TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA<br />COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER. THESE ARE THE<br />REASONS WHY:<br /><br />Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona ), who created the 'Tent City Jail': he has<br />jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. He<br />stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights.<br />Cut off all but 'G' rated movies. He started chain gangs so the inmates<br />could do free work on county and city projects. Then he started chain gangs<br />for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.<br /><br /><br />He took away cable TV until he found out there was a Federal Court Order<br />that required cable TV for jails so he hooked up the cable TV again; only<br />let in the Disney Channel and the Weather Channel. When asked why the<br />Weather Channel he replied, "So they will know how hot it's gonna be while<br />they are working on my Chain Gangs." He cut off coffee since it has zero<br />nutritional value. When the inmates complained, he told them "This isn't<br />the Ritz/Carlton......if you don't like it, don't come back!" <br /><br />More On The Arizona Sheriff:<br />With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just<br />set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living<br />in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have<br />been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer<br />shorts. <br />On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their<br />bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week<br />before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on<br />their chests and dripped down to their PINK SOCKS. <br />"It feels like we are in a furnace", said James Zanzot, an inmate who has<br />lived in the TENTS for 1 year. "It's Inhumane." <br />Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago<br />started making his prisoners wear pink and eat bologna sandwiches, is not<br />one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates:<br />"It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they<br />have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut<br />your mouths!" Way to go, Sheriff! <br />Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime<br />and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes -<br />not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and<br />commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers' money and<br />enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-9427322671326839472010-07-14T10:32:00.000-07:002010-07-14T10:40:41.400-07:00A SUMMARY OF LIFE!My friend sent me a photo today which he had seen and thought was quite thought provoking. He told me that life can be summarised by just four bottles. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHXEezDyPR3JTCUjCVp3wjE0ZjXKBxQiTmAzsPk41rEqMH3aNvICCuQ2XzY7htAokslcWy8rZIey4ZpYHUgkwlYBwZp4rTMyUhUpi-0xWDrD6WF8dCiARP3kUtM8-hKUKRwfXunLbeWpGF/s1600/4+bottles.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 301px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHXEezDyPR3JTCUjCVp3wjE0ZjXKBxQiTmAzsPk41rEqMH3aNvICCuQ2XzY7htAokslcWy8rZIey4ZpYHUgkwlYBwZp4rTMyUhUpi-0xWDrD6WF8dCiARP3kUtM8-hKUKRwfXunLbeWpGF/s400/4+bottles.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5493817245083261682" /></a><br /><br />How true is that!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-75703482866850755022010-07-13T15:03:00.001-07:002010-07-13T15:14:57.689-07:00ENGLAND FOOTBALL SHIRTMy friend asked me today if I had seen the new design for the next England football shirt.<br /><br />'No, what is it like?' I asked.<br /><br />My friend replied "Instead of the emblem being the three lions they are now going to have the emblem being three tampons"<br /><br />Slightly bemused by this I asked "why?" <br /><br />My friend's reply was "the designers thought that this was the best way to represent the <em>worst period</em> of football that England had ever had"<br /><br />Umm - what could I say to that!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-8924471113407835442010-07-12T06:08:00.000-07:002010-07-12T06:16:59.384-07:00OFFSIDE RULE!To all women who may be easily offended particulary if you are into womens rights/liberties.....DO NOT LOOK at the picture below, and if you do look and find it utterly 1)patronising 2)humiliating 3)degrading then please don't put a 'moany' comment. I actually thought it was quiet amusing...but must add that the offside rule does not apply in my household!<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3vUPmuJyKjSI46r1udtXLqLeEqS-xtTyopCZb5NHtMsLtCmpwb0U6H1Pyjo-fmsV-NHbM215sA-V9Ojwu9E-Y3jwHnBhs-HJJITIPZz2ifZleVuNKpvzbI-FrQv9FbF9TrBeorjGgyGeK/s1600/offside+rule.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 86px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3vUPmuJyKjSI46r1udtXLqLeEqS-xtTyopCZb5NHtMsLtCmpwb0U6H1Pyjo-fmsV-NHbM215sA-V9Ojwu9E-Y3jwHnBhs-HJJITIPZz2ifZleVuNKpvzbI-FrQv9FbF9TrBeorjGgyGeK/s400/offside+rule.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5493006985796484258" /></a>Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-75320036718507582462010-07-12T06:05:00.000-07:002010-07-12T06:08:02.507-07:00MOBILE PHONE DESIGN<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM0oPrqMHP-1JZmlh8-tQ3HL1xGMHtF_lZvWfzGVjWOJYgEeXUcwaN4l3x0Upp9XhnG0OYuZ972mAmhoLen_8-Zg9s5CmIgK52_-4iiefvkdpah9aM5_GZ7f03Ruf_mXjKeZQYcx30DGlF/s1600/mobile+phone.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 113px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM0oPrqMHP-1JZmlh8-tQ3HL1xGMHtF_lZvWfzGVjWOJYgEeXUcwaN4l3x0Upp9XhnG0OYuZ972mAmhoLen_8-Zg9s5CmIgK52_-4iiefvkdpah9aM5_GZ7f03Ruf_mXjKeZQYcx30DGlF/s200/mobile+phone.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5493005347174666962" /></a><br /><br /><br />At last someone has invented a mobile phone suitable for the oldest members of our society!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-42824419690376836842010-07-11T03:44:00.000-07:002010-07-11T03:45:52.298-07:00UNSTABLE FRIENDSJust because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean<br />they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in<br />a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital<br />swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.<br /><br />He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. <br /><br />Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him<br />out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she<br />immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now<br />considered her to be mentally stable.<br /><br /><br />When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and<br />bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to<br />rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the<br />person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.<br /><br />The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt<br />right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'<br /><br />Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. <br /><br />How soon can I go home?'Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-9438806925153616822010-06-07T14:50:00.000-07:002010-06-07T14:58:15.141-07:00COCK!Well now I have got your attention I thought you might appreciate the following little story. <br /><br />If you are easily offended please DO NOT read any further than the end of this sentence:<br /><br /><br /><em>The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in<br />the hen house behind the church.<br /><br />One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered<br />that the cock was missing.<br />He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners<br />in church.<br /> <br />During mass, he asked the congregation,<br /> 'Has anybody got a cock? '<br /> <br />All the men stood up.<br /> <br /> 'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock? '<br /> <br />All the women stood up.<br /><br /> 'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant. <br /> <br />Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them? ' <br /><br />Half of the women stood up.<br /><br /> 'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.<br /> <br />Has anybody seen MY cock? ' <br /><br />Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.<br /> <br />The priest fainted.</em><br /><br />Hopefully I haven't offended anyone...and if I have I am really not sorry as I did put up a warning in my second sentence of this blog, and anyway how could anyone be offended by a story about a missing cock!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-49279108377429127232010-03-15T03:14:00.000-07:002010-03-15T03:52:13.302-07:00A PARENTAL DILEMMA!Yesterday I was hit by a question that I hoped would not raise its little head until at least November of 2010.<br /><br />My nine year old son (just nine) asked me "is Father Christmas real". At the time he asked I had a mouth full of tea which I nearly spat out at such a force that the tea would have hit Wales from here in Suffolk.<br /><br />Now that was a question that I was completely unprepared for. After controlling the mouth full of tea in an appropriate manner, swallowing rather than spitting it out, I panicked and just smiled at him. What a big mistake to make! Straight away he was off " I knew he wasn't real, you were just lying about him".<br /><br />Well now I was in deeper than before. How do I get out of this one. It is March not November, I had no 'plan of action' on how to reply to the question. I urgently needed help to get out of this situation.<br /><br />Thinking fast I asked him "what do you think?". That through the ball back into his court! I expected him to reply " I think he is real". I could have gone along with that and the problem would have been resolved. But no his reply was "I think you are lying" Great,the problem was back in my court! <br /><br />I thought I would be clever and I asked " well how do think your Christmas presents get here then?". He replied "you and Daddy put them in the lounge, and Grandma and Grandad bring theirs when they come to stay with us". <br /><br />The conversation went on and on. Then I finally did the one thing I swore I would never do and said "ask your Dad"...and off he went. <br /><br />I am not quite sure what Dad's reply was but my son came back about ten minutes later and asked " is the Easter Bunny real then?"<br /><br />So what do I do. Tell the truth that will break his heart or continue with the'lying' (as he calls it).<br /><br />What a dilemma!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-73374729303058001082010-03-10T12:50:00.000-08:002010-03-10T12:52:10.044-08:00MR B'S PARLIAMENT<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmBrBsHYPGXts6KtwU8zTZaf4nD1yfrfa5Lq0EeJBtI_XS5FtNqv4U-TMbSLsHLCGeyy_bfHF9XZ-yR5V3mJd1LBj2QAPGsKsknvHAc-zTXKNVV16ymupZn5avDXT9BosVhftzbhBWZ6N3/s1600-h/mr+b%27s+government.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 135px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmBrBsHYPGXts6KtwU8zTZaf4nD1yfrfa5Lq0EeJBtI_XS5FtNqv4U-TMbSLsHLCGeyy_bfHF9XZ-yR5V3mJd1LBj2QAPGsKsknvHAc-zTXKNVV16ymupZn5avDXT9BosVhftzbhBWZ6N3/s200/mr+b%27s+government.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5447110762491751490" /></a><br />I saw this picture today and thought it was quite amusing!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-8251256454663220942010-02-20T10:35:00.000-08:002010-02-20T10:40:10.447-08:00RETIREMENT FOR MEN<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp-8I6ipUJAtaGjjSBy9FEkzHPEWtRXilJJj2LaxvlHBWJSjE-AoaU7Kz3CDbsxKmQdRRB1omU8OSWs9xGq01CYGPPmWoSh7jMw2KrD1VuebZBE-nXLfG3pInyHAZ29_Y61CLTrB0mbzmB/s1600-h/retired.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 98px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp-8I6ipUJAtaGjjSBy9FEkzHPEWtRXilJJj2LaxvlHBWJSjE-AoaU7Kz3CDbsxKmQdRRB1omU8OSWs9xGq01CYGPPmWoSh7jMw2KrD1VuebZBE-nXLfG3pInyHAZ29_Y61CLTrB0mbzmB/s200/retired.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5440396611185179794" /></a><br /><br />I had this picture sent to me today, which I thought was quite wonderful!<br /><br />I just loved the wording.<br /><br />I am a bit concerned about how the bench is floating on water though!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-80887154285761800132010-02-19T03:23:00.000-08:002010-02-19T04:11:25.085-08:00SLEEP WALKING!Last night my son, age 9, came down the stairs to my bedroom at 11pm (we live in a three storey house). He was fast asleep. And this is how the next five minutes went:<br /><br />'Are you all right?' I asked<br /> <br />'Yes' he replied<br /><br />He shut my bedroom door behind him, looking at it as though it had really irritated him. He turned round and asked<br /><br />'Can you take me to my bedroom?'<br /><br />'Yes' I replied, followed by 'but we are on the wrong floor at the moment, you need to go back upstairs' <br /><br />Wrong thing to say. As far as he was concerned we were on the right floor of the house!. Grabbing my hand I was dragged with force into what he thought was his bedroom..but..no it was the bathroom.<br /><br />Shaking his head in annoyance he flung his arm around and said 'Could you turn the light on please'. Good to hear the good manners even in a state of sleep.<br /><br />The light went on. I explained that we were in the bathroom..but no he wouldn't have it.<br /><br />'It's my bedroom and I need to go to sleep now'<br /><br />Then this is the funny bit....he walked along a few feet put his leg up into the air as though he was climbing into bed, and actually it was the shower!. He stood there for a minute or two, said nothing, walked back out of the shower, into my bedroom and sat on the bed.<br /><br />'Would you like me to take you to your bedroom now?' I asked<br /><br />'Yes please' was the reply.<br /><br />We walked up the stairs, he climbed into bed, fell asleep, and that was that.<br /><br />This morning I asked if he had a good nights sleep, and he said 'yes, I was very tired'.<br /><br />'Do you remember standing in the shower last night?' I asked. He looked at me as though I was a complete idiot!<br /><br />Isn't sleep walking fun!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-86132349800559118062010-02-17T03:26:00.000-08:002010-02-17T03:41:22.790-08:00LATEST CAR RADIO TECHNOLOGYDesigners have come up with the very latest car radio.<br /><br />You actually ask the radio what you want it to play. I went to test out this new technology.<br /><br />The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. <br /><br />'Micheal' the salesman said to the radio. <br /><br />The radio replied, 'Jackson or Ball?' <br /><br />'Jackson!' he continued, followed by the word 'Thriller' and Micheal Jacksons Thriller came from the radio speakers. <br /><br />Then he said, 'John Denver - Grandma!', and in an instant<br />'Grandma's Feather Bed' replaced Micheal Jackson.. <br /><br />The test drive continued with me feeling very impressed with the new technology.<br /><br />Then suddenly a man swung out of a side road (yes a man...No not a woman)and nearly hit the side of the car I was driving. I yelled out 'Ass Hole' and the radio responded instantly with:<br /><br />"Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Great Britain, <br />Mr. Gordon Brown......."<br /><br />How cool is technology!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-43214019484864871012010-02-15T10:32:00.000-08:002010-02-15T10:37:27.038-08:00ADOPT A TERRORISTI read the following today. How true it is I don't know:<br /><br />A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,<br />complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being<br />held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. <br /><br />She received back the following reply:<br /><br />Dear Concerned Citizen,<br /><br />Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of<br />treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces<br />who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are<br />currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National<br />Correctional System facilities..<br />Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were<br />heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .<br />You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like<br />yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of<br />National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'<br />program, or L.A.R.K. for short.<br />In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to<br />divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. <br />Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation<br />under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. <br />Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared<br />for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of<br />complaint..<br />It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We<br />will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for<br />Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.<br />Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your<br />sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him<br />overcome these character flaws. <br />Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural<br />differences. <br />We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.<br />Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and<br />can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail<br />clippers. <br />We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next<br />yoga group. <br />He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common<br />household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless<br />(in your opinion) this might offend him.<br />Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually)<br />since he views females as a subhuman form of property..<br />This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to<br />show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress<br />code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. <br />I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over<br />time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and<br />religious beliefs' as described in your letter.<br />Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you<br />keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow<br />man. <br />You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.<br /><br />Good luck and God bless you.<br /><br />Cordially,<br />*****************<br /><br />Minister of National DefencePotty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-33248869949645824302010-02-08T02:54:00.000-08:002010-02-08T02:59:46.464-08:00DETAILS OF THE WOOTON BASSET BIKE RUNA bit more detail for the run, their Facebook page has the most up to date details. Hope any bikers support it.<br /><br />Sunday 14th March 2010<br /><br />The ride will be starting at Leigh Delamere Service Station J17 (eastbound) of the M4. Please start arriving from 10:30am.<br /><br />Each rider will pay £5 and receive an Afghan Heroes wristband, which will be their entry pass to RAF Lyneham. The lead riders will be leaving at 12 noon promptly. The route will be along the M4 to J16 before heading along the A-Roads towards Wootton Bassett. We will be riding through at a slow speed before continuing along to RAF Lyneham. We are honored that they are opening their gates for us and refreshments will be available.<br /><br />All those attending RAF Lyneham will require to pre register giving Name, Address, DOB and Bike Registration. This is to enable security clearance to be carried out by the RAF. REGISTRATION CLOSES MONDAY 15TH FEBRUARY 2010. Anyone who does not register WILL NOT be allowed onto RAF Lyneham.<br /><br />Registration will be through a secure site, this will be posted out on Monday. <br /><br />We will be riding to RAF Lyneham where there will be a presentation to hand over the funds raised for the Afghan Heroes Charity, set up last September by a group of mothers who lost their sons in Afghanistan.<br /><br />IF YOU KNOW OF ANY BIKERS WHO WISH TO ATTEND THE RIDE WHO HAVEN’T REGISTERED ON FACEBOOK CAN YOU ENSURE THAT THEY REGISTER ON THE SECURE SITE. <br /><br />www.afghanheroes.org.uk/bikersevent.aspPotty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-88858169166597632502010-02-08T02:45:00.000-08:002010-02-08T02:52:36.356-08:00Facebook | Bike Run in support of Wootton Bassett: Sunday 14th March 2010<a href="http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=236684797168&ref=mf#!/group.php?gid=231770155035&ref=mf">Facebook | Bike Run in support of Wootton Bassett: Sunday 14th March 2010</a>: "www.bmycharity.com/rtwb2010<br /><br />For any bikers out there this maybe something that you would like to take part in.<br /><br />I believe that so far 10,000 bikers have signed up for the bike run.Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-35094250302004155052010-02-06T23:52:00.000-08:002010-02-07T00:16:17.237-08:00SEX AT 70I was in town yesterday doing the usual shopping with my 'spendaholic' son when I over heard two senior (it isn't PC to say old nowadays!) men having a conversation.<br /><br />They did all the normal stuff, state of the country, price of petrol, how small their pension was etc,etc. I listened for a while but then they just became a background noise.<br /><br />After a further five minutes of conversation one of them did a very loud 'Phew'. He had sounded so relieved that I just had to return to listening to their conversation, and this is how it continued. I will start it from the 'Phew':<br /><br />"Phew" . . . . . . .<br /><br />followed by a short pause (to get his breath back I think). He continued... <br /><br />"I have just found out I can still have sex at 70" <br /><br />Well now my ears were on full listening power. The conversation continued...<br /><br />"I am so relieved because . . . . . " <br /><br />Yes this conversation was getting really interesting now.He continued <br /><br />"as I only live at no 66"<br /><br />I wasn't quite sure where this conversation was going. He continued... <br /><br />"it's not far to walk home"<br /><br />I had to laugh!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7812946126465056440.post-2006087200185497902010-02-03T08:18:00.000-08:002010-02-03T08:35:06.132-08:00OH TO BE A TEACHER!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPGPTLOGVoX_3ObMpef12RU6dpT1UKJ5NQ_3Fxe8guGjSKeEdIKMQT69f3MBWiowdUQLwaBi2Pmv8gHmgGcAvEMlmLOiu8huau32j8i4dEJ_6EHqA5JVNy7CdN2Hn2shBvKL9nc5DGr1jG/s1600-h/Lifesavers.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 102px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPGPTLOGVoX_3ObMpef12RU6dpT1UKJ5NQ_3Fxe8guGjSKeEdIKMQT69f3MBWiowdUQLwaBi2Pmv8gHmgGcAvEMlmLOiu8huau32j8i4dEJ_6EHqA5JVNy7CdN2Hn2shBvKL9nc5DGr1jG/s200/Lifesavers.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5434056372785759250" /></a><br />A primary school teacher was teaching a class of seven year olds and they were studying the sense of taste. <br /> <br />The children were each given a packet of sweets. They were asked to use the colour of the sweets to help identify what the flavour was.<br /> <br />They started with the colour red which was used to represent the flavour of Cherries. This was followed by Yellow for Lemon, Green for Lime and Orange for, yes you have guessed it,Orange.<br /> <br />As a final treat the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.None<br />of the children could identify the taste.<br /> <br />To help the children the teacher gave them a clue. The teacher said, "It's what your<br />mother may sometimes call your father"<br /><br />The children thought for a while. Then one little girl looked up in horror, spat out her Lifesaver sweet and yelled "Oh my God, its an ass-hole"!<br /><br />Oh to be a teacher!Potty days!http://www.blogger.com/profile/06451006030890709841noreply@blogger.com0