My friend asked me today if I had seen the new design for the next England football shirt.
'No, what is it like?' I asked.
My friend replied "Instead of the emblem being the three lions they are now going to have the emblem being three tampons"
Slightly bemused by this I asked "why?"
My friend's reply was "the designers thought that this was the best way to represent the worst period of football that England had ever had"
Umm - what could I say to that!
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
Monday, 12 July 2010
OFFSIDE RULE!
To all women who may be easily offended particulary if you are into womens rights/liberties.....DO NOT LOOK at the picture below, and if you do look and find it utterly 1)patronising 2)humiliating 3)degrading then please don't put a 'moany' comment. I actually thought it was quiet amusing...but must add that the offside rule does not apply in my household!
MOBILE PHONE DESIGN
At last someone has invented a mobile phone suitable for the oldest members of our society!
Sunday, 11 July 2010
UNSTABLE FRIENDS
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in
a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in
a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Monday, 7 June 2010
COCK!
Well now I have got your attention I thought you might appreciate the following little story.
If you are easily offended please DO NOT read any further than the end of this sentence:
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in
the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners
in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock? '
All the men stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock? '
All the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them? '
Half of the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
Hopefully I haven't offended anyone...and if I have I am really not sorry as I did put up a warning in my second sentence of this blog, and anyway how could anyone be offended by a story about a missing cock!
If you are easily offended please DO NOT read any further than the end of this sentence:
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in
the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners
in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock? '
All the men stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock? '
All the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them? '
Half of the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
Hopefully I haven't offended anyone...and if I have I am really not sorry as I did put up a warning in my second sentence of this blog, and anyway how could anyone be offended by a story about a missing cock!
Monday, 15 March 2010
A PARENTAL DILEMMA!
Yesterday I was hit by a question that I hoped would not raise its little head until at least November of 2010.
My nine year old son (just nine) asked me "is Father Christmas real". At the time he asked I had a mouth full of tea which I nearly spat out at such a force that the tea would have hit Wales from here in Suffolk.
Now that was a question that I was completely unprepared for. After controlling the mouth full of tea in an appropriate manner, swallowing rather than spitting it out, I panicked and just smiled at him. What a big mistake to make! Straight away he was off " I knew he wasn't real, you were just lying about him".
Well now I was in deeper than before. How do I get out of this one. It is March not November, I had no 'plan of action' on how to reply to the question. I urgently needed help to get out of this situation.
Thinking fast I asked him "what do you think?". That through the ball back into his court! I expected him to reply " I think he is real". I could have gone along with that and the problem would have been resolved. But no his reply was "I think you are lying" Great,the problem was back in my court!
I thought I would be clever and I asked " well how do think your Christmas presents get here then?". He replied "you and Daddy put them in the lounge, and Grandma and Grandad bring theirs when they come to stay with us".
The conversation went on and on. Then I finally did the one thing I swore I would never do and said "ask your Dad"...and off he went.
I am not quite sure what Dad's reply was but my son came back about ten minutes later and asked " is the Easter Bunny real then?"
So what do I do. Tell the truth that will break his heart or continue with the'lying' (as he calls it).
What a dilemma!
My nine year old son (just nine) asked me "is Father Christmas real". At the time he asked I had a mouth full of tea which I nearly spat out at such a force that the tea would have hit Wales from here in Suffolk.
Now that was a question that I was completely unprepared for. After controlling the mouth full of tea in an appropriate manner, swallowing rather than spitting it out, I panicked and just smiled at him. What a big mistake to make! Straight away he was off " I knew he wasn't real, you were just lying about him".
Well now I was in deeper than before. How do I get out of this one. It is March not November, I had no 'plan of action' on how to reply to the question. I urgently needed help to get out of this situation.
Thinking fast I asked him "what do you think?". That through the ball back into his court! I expected him to reply " I think he is real". I could have gone along with that and the problem would have been resolved. But no his reply was "I think you are lying" Great,the problem was back in my court!
I thought I would be clever and I asked " well how do think your Christmas presents get here then?". He replied "you and Daddy put them in the lounge, and Grandma and Grandad bring theirs when they come to stay with us".
The conversation went on and on. Then I finally did the one thing I swore I would never do and said "ask your Dad"...and off he went.
I am not quite sure what Dad's reply was but my son came back about ten minutes later and asked " is the Easter Bunny real then?"
So what do I do. Tell the truth that will break his heart or continue with the'lying' (as he calls it).
What a dilemma!
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
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