Well now I have got your attention I thought you might appreciate the following little story.
If you are easily offended please DO NOT read any further than the end of this sentence:
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in
the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners
in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock? '
All the men stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock? '
All the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them? '
Half of the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
Hopefully I haven't offended anyone...and if I have I am really not sorry as I did put up a warning in my second sentence of this blog, and anyway how could anyone be offended by a story about a missing cock!
Monday, 7 June 2010
Monday, 15 March 2010
A PARENTAL DILEMMA!
Yesterday I was hit by a question that I hoped would not raise its little head until at least November of 2010.
My nine year old son (just nine) asked me "is Father Christmas real". At the time he asked I had a mouth full of tea which I nearly spat out at such a force that the tea would have hit Wales from here in Suffolk.
Now that was a question that I was completely unprepared for. After controlling the mouth full of tea in an appropriate manner, swallowing rather than spitting it out, I panicked and just smiled at him. What a big mistake to make! Straight away he was off " I knew he wasn't real, you were just lying about him".
Well now I was in deeper than before. How do I get out of this one. It is March not November, I had no 'plan of action' on how to reply to the question. I urgently needed help to get out of this situation.
Thinking fast I asked him "what do you think?". That through the ball back into his court! I expected him to reply " I think he is real". I could have gone along with that and the problem would have been resolved. But no his reply was "I think you are lying" Great,the problem was back in my court!
I thought I would be clever and I asked " well how do think your Christmas presents get here then?". He replied "you and Daddy put them in the lounge, and Grandma and Grandad bring theirs when they come to stay with us".
The conversation went on and on. Then I finally did the one thing I swore I would never do and said "ask your Dad"...and off he went.
I am not quite sure what Dad's reply was but my son came back about ten minutes later and asked " is the Easter Bunny real then?"
So what do I do. Tell the truth that will break his heart or continue with the'lying' (as he calls it).
What a dilemma!
My nine year old son (just nine) asked me "is Father Christmas real". At the time he asked I had a mouth full of tea which I nearly spat out at such a force that the tea would have hit Wales from here in Suffolk.
Now that was a question that I was completely unprepared for. After controlling the mouth full of tea in an appropriate manner, swallowing rather than spitting it out, I panicked and just smiled at him. What a big mistake to make! Straight away he was off " I knew he wasn't real, you were just lying about him".
Well now I was in deeper than before. How do I get out of this one. It is March not November, I had no 'plan of action' on how to reply to the question. I urgently needed help to get out of this situation.
Thinking fast I asked him "what do you think?". That through the ball back into his court! I expected him to reply " I think he is real". I could have gone along with that and the problem would have been resolved. But no his reply was "I think you are lying" Great,the problem was back in my court!
I thought I would be clever and I asked " well how do think your Christmas presents get here then?". He replied "you and Daddy put them in the lounge, and Grandma and Grandad bring theirs when they come to stay with us".
The conversation went on and on. Then I finally did the one thing I swore I would never do and said "ask your Dad"...and off he went.
I am not quite sure what Dad's reply was but my son came back about ten minutes later and asked " is the Easter Bunny real then?"
So what do I do. Tell the truth that will break his heart or continue with the'lying' (as he calls it).
What a dilemma!
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Saturday, 20 February 2010
RETIREMENT FOR MEN
I had this picture sent to me today, which I thought was quite wonderful!
I just loved the wording.
I am a bit concerned about how the bench is floating on water though!
Friday, 19 February 2010
SLEEP WALKING!
Last night my son, age 9, came down the stairs to my bedroom at 11pm (we live in a three storey house). He was fast asleep. And this is how the next five minutes went:
'Are you all right?' I asked
'Yes' he replied
He shut my bedroom door behind him, looking at it as though it had really irritated him. He turned round and asked
'Can you take me to my bedroom?'
'Yes' I replied, followed by 'but we are on the wrong floor at the moment, you need to go back upstairs'
Wrong thing to say. As far as he was concerned we were on the right floor of the house!. Grabbing my hand I was dragged with force into what he thought was his bedroom..but..no it was the bathroom.
Shaking his head in annoyance he flung his arm around and said 'Could you turn the light on please'. Good to hear the good manners even in a state of sleep.
The light went on. I explained that we were in the bathroom..but no he wouldn't have it.
'It's my bedroom and I need to go to sleep now'
Then this is the funny bit....he walked along a few feet put his leg up into the air as though he was climbing into bed, and actually it was the shower!. He stood there for a minute or two, said nothing, walked back out of the shower, into my bedroom and sat on the bed.
'Would you like me to take you to your bedroom now?' I asked
'Yes please' was the reply.
We walked up the stairs, he climbed into bed, fell asleep, and that was that.
This morning I asked if he had a good nights sleep, and he said 'yes, I was very tired'.
'Do you remember standing in the shower last night?' I asked. He looked at me as though I was a complete idiot!
Isn't sleep walking fun!
'Are you all right?' I asked
'Yes' he replied
He shut my bedroom door behind him, looking at it as though it had really irritated him. He turned round and asked
'Can you take me to my bedroom?'
'Yes' I replied, followed by 'but we are on the wrong floor at the moment, you need to go back upstairs'
Wrong thing to say. As far as he was concerned we were on the right floor of the house!. Grabbing my hand I was dragged with force into what he thought was his bedroom..but..no it was the bathroom.
Shaking his head in annoyance he flung his arm around and said 'Could you turn the light on please'. Good to hear the good manners even in a state of sleep.
The light went on. I explained that we were in the bathroom..but no he wouldn't have it.
'It's my bedroom and I need to go to sleep now'
Then this is the funny bit....he walked along a few feet put his leg up into the air as though he was climbing into bed, and actually it was the shower!. He stood there for a minute or two, said nothing, walked back out of the shower, into my bedroom and sat on the bed.
'Would you like me to take you to your bedroom now?' I asked
'Yes please' was the reply.
We walked up the stairs, he climbed into bed, fell asleep, and that was that.
This morning I asked if he had a good nights sleep, and he said 'yes, I was very tired'.
'Do you remember standing in the shower last night?' I asked. He looked at me as though I was a complete idiot!
Isn't sleep walking fun!
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
LATEST CAR RADIO TECHNOLOGY
Designers have come up with the very latest car radio.
You actually ask the radio what you want it to play. I went to test out this new technology.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Micheal' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Jackson or Ball?'
'Jackson!' he continued, followed by the word 'Thriller' and Micheal Jacksons Thriller came from the radio speakers.
Then he said, 'John Denver - Grandma!', and in an instant
'Grandma's Feather Bed' replaced Micheal Jackson..
The test drive continued with me feeling very impressed with the new technology.
Then suddenly a man swung out of a side road (yes a man...No not a woman)and nearly hit the side of the car I was driving. I yelled out 'Ass Hole' and the radio responded instantly with:
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Great Britain,
Mr. Gordon Brown......."
How cool is technology!
You actually ask the radio what you want it to play. I went to test out this new technology.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Micheal' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Jackson or Ball?'
'Jackson!' he continued, followed by the word 'Thriller' and Micheal Jacksons Thriller came from the radio speakers.
Then he said, 'John Denver - Grandma!', and in an instant
'Grandma's Feather Bed' replaced Micheal Jackson..
The test drive continued with me feeling very impressed with the new technology.
Then suddenly a man swung out of a side road (yes a man...No not a woman)and nearly hit the side of the car I was driving. I yelled out 'Ass Hole' and the radio responded instantly with:
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Great Britain,
Mr. Gordon Brown......."
How cool is technology!
Monday, 15 February 2010
ADOPT A TERRORIST
I read the following today. How true it is I don't know:
A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being
held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces
who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are
currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National
Correctional System facilities..
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'
program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to
divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
complaint..
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him
overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next
yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless
(in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually)
since he views females as a subhuman form of property..
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over
time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and
religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow
man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
*****************
Minister of National Defence
A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being
held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces
who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are
currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National
Correctional System facilities..
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'
program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to
divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
complaint..
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him
overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next
yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless
(in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually)
since he views females as a subhuman form of property..
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over
time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and
religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow
man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
*****************
Minister of National Defence
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