This is quite amusing, and hopefully will appeal to any farmers out there in blogland!
A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote
moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced
toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will
you give me a calf?"
Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a
NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans
the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that
the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves," says Sid.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says
Sid.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up
here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth
of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows,
for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now give me back my dog!
Tuesday 20 July 2010
Thursday 15 July 2010
DAVID CAMERON NEEDS TO MEET SHERIFF JOE
Have you heard of Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona?. After having Googled his name I think David Cameron ought to organise a meeting with him to get some new ideas.
There is a lot of information about Sheriff Joe on the internet, and below is just a small selection of the information about him.
Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray
animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department
over, and the County Supervisors said OK.
The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They
feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and
walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal
nutrition and behaviour. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to
adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given
them to the care of prisoners, and had them placed in dog shows.
The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3
million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter
two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health,
and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78.
The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most
would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of
his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the
prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.
I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the
way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge
farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow
most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and
harvesting by hand.
He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer.
It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can
buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the holidays, and plant it
later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.
Yup, he was re-elected last year with 83% of the vote.
Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and
vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on
it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations
and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40
deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his
hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border.
He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff.
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA
COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER. THESE ARE THE
REASONS WHY:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona ), who created the 'Tent City Jail': he has
jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. He
stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights.
Cut off all but 'G' rated movies. He started chain gangs so the inmates
could do free work on county and city projects. Then he started chain gangs
for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.
He took away cable TV until he found out there was a Federal Court Order
that required cable TV for jails so he hooked up the cable TV again; only
let in the Disney Channel and the Weather Channel. When asked why the
Weather Channel he replied, "So they will know how hot it's gonna be while
they are working on my Chain Gangs." He cut off coffee since it has zero
nutritional value. When the inmates complained, he told them "This isn't
the Ritz/Carlton......if you don't like it, don't come back!"
More On The Arizona Sheriff:
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just
set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living
in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have
been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer
shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their
bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week
before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on
their chests and dripped down to their PINK SOCKS.
"It feels like we are in a furnace", said James Zanzot, an inmate who has
lived in the TENTS for 1 year. "It's Inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago
started making his prisoners wear pink and eat bologna sandwiches, is not
one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates:
"It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they
have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut
your mouths!" Way to go, Sheriff!
Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime
and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes -
not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and
commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers' money and
enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.
There is a lot of information about Sheriff Joe on the internet, and below is just a small selection of the information about him.
Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray
animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department
over, and the County Supervisors said OK.
The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They
feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and
walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal
nutrition and behaviour. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to
adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given
them to the care of prisoners, and had them placed in dog shows.
The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3
million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter
two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health,
and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78.
The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most
would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of
his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the
prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.
I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the
way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge
farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow
most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and
harvesting by hand.
He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer.
It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can
buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the holidays, and plant it
later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.
Yup, he was re-elected last year with 83% of the vote.
Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and
vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on
it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations
and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40
deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his
hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border.
He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff.
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA
COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER. THESE ARE THE
REASONS WHY:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona ), who created the 'Tent City Jail': he has
jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. He
stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights.
Cut off all but 'G' rated movies. He started chain gangs so the inmates
could do free work on county and city projects. Then he started chain gangs
for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.
He took away cable TV until he found out there was a Federal Court Order
that required cable TV for jails so he hooked up the cable TV again; only
let in the Disney Channel and the Weather Channel. When asked why the
Weather Channel he replied, "So they will know how hot it's gonna be while
they are working on my Chain Gangs." He cut off coffee since it has zero
nutritional value. When the inmates complained, he told them "This isn't
the Ritz/Carlton......if you don't like it, don't come back!"
More On The Arizona Sheriff:
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just
set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living
in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have
been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer
shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their
bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week
before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on
their chests and dripped down to their PINK SOCKS.
"It feels like we are in a furnace", said James Zanzot, an inmate who has
lived in the TENTS for 1 year. "It's Inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago
started making his prisoners wear pink and eat bologna sandwiches, is not
one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates:
"It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they
have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut
your mouths!" Way to go, Sheriff!
Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime
and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes -
not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and
commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers' money and
enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.
Wednesday 14 July 2010
A SUMMARY OF LIFE!
My friend sent me a photo today which he had seen and thought was quite thought provoking. He told me that life can be summarised by just four bottles.
How true is that!
How true is that!
Tuesday 13 July 2010
ENGLAND FOOTBALL SHIRT
My friend asked me today if I had seen the new design for the next England football shirt.
'No, what is it like?' I asked.
My friend replied "Instead of the emblem being the three lions they are now going to have the emblem being three tampons"
Slightly bemused by this I asked "why?"
My friend's reply was "the designers thought that this was the best way to represent the worst period of football that England had ever had"
Umm - what could I say to that!
'No, what is it like?' I asked.
My friend replied "Instead of the emblem being the three lions they are now going to have the emblem being three tampons"
Slightly bemused by this I asked "why?"
My friend's reply was "the designers thought that this was the best way to represent the worst period of football that England had ever had"
Umm - what could I say to that!
Monday 12 July 2010
OFFSIDE RULE!
To all women who may be easily offended particulary if you are into womens rights/liberties.....DO NOT LOOK at the picture below, and if you do look and find it utterly 1)patronising 2)humiliating 3)degrading then please don't put a 'moany' comment. I actually thought it was quiet amusing...but must add that the offside rule does not apply in my household!
MOBILE PHONE DESIGN
At last someone has invented a mobile phone suitable for the oldest members of our society!
Sunday 11 July 2010
UNSTABLE FRIENDS
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in
a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in
a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
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