Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being
an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only
bar one afternoon...
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house...walked home...and left it there all night !!!
You gotta love Frank!
Monday 18 October 2010
Thursday 7 October 2010
PRAISE THE LORD
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband,Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Two months ago, my husband,Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Tuesday 5 October 2010
GOVERNMENT PLANS FOR THE NHS
Just in from my medical correspondent. The title might seem a tad boring to you but read on....
The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.
The Allergists are scratching their heads, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn't hear of it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up
to the arseholes in London!!
The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.
The Allergists are scratching their heads, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn't hear of it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up
to the arseholes in London!!
Thursday 30 September 2010
GATES OF HEAVEN
A woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the
gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her
parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her." I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in
Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...There will be Hell to pay
later!
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the
gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her
parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her." I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in
Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...There will be Hell to pay
later!
Monday 27 September 2010
THE DIVORCED BARBIE DOLL!
No offence is intended to any Barbie doll lovers out there, but I am sorry this is quite funny:
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work
Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for
$19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with
Ken's balls
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work
Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for
$19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with
Ken's balls
DEAFNESS
I thought that this was funny:
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
I know from personal experience where she is coming from!
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
I know from personal experience where she is coming from!
Tuesday 21 September 2010
WHY I AM DIVORCED
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids, they will remember...
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good morning boss' and by the way Happy Birthday!
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife,my kids,and dozens of my friends and co-workers,all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids, they will remember...
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good morning boss' and by the way Happy Birthday!
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife,my kids,and dozens of my friends and co-workers,all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked.
Tuesday 20 July 2010
FARMING IN ENGLAND
This is quite amusing, and hopefully will appeal to any farmers out there in blogland!
A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote
moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced
toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will
you give me a calf?"
Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a
NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans
the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that
the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves," says Sid.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says
Sid.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up
here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth
of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows,
for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now give me back my dog!
A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote
moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced
toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will
you give me a calf?"
Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a
NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans
the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that
the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves," says Sid.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says
Sid.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up
here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth
of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows,
for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now give me back my dog!
Thursday 15 July 2010
DAVID CAMERON NEEDS TO MEET SHERIFF JOE
Have you heard of Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona?. After having Googled his name I think David Cameron ought to organise a meeting with him to get some new ideas.
There is a lot of information about Sheriff Joe on the internet, and below is just a small selection of the information about him.
Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray
animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department
over, and the County Supervisors said OK.
The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They
feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and
walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal
nutrition and behaviour. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to
adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given
them to the care of prisoners, and had them placed in dog shows.
The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3
million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter
two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health,
and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78.
The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most
would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of
his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the
prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.
I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the
way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge
farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow
most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and
harvesting by hand.
He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer.
It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can
buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the holidays, and plant it
later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.
Yup, he was re-elected last year with 83% of the vote.
Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and
vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on
it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations
and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40
deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his
hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border.
He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff.
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA
COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER. THESE ARE THE
REASONS WHY:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona ), who created the 'Tent City Jail': he has
jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. He
stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights.
Cut off all but 'G' rated movies. He started chain gangs so the inmates
could do free work on county and city projects. Then he started chain gangs
for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.
He took away cable TV until he found out there was a Federal Court Order
that required cable TV for jails so he hooked up the cable TV again; only
let in the Disney Channel and the Weather Channel. When asked why the
Weather Channel he replied, "So they will know how hot it's gonna be while
they are working on my Chain Gangs." He cut off coffee since it has zero
nutritional value. When the inmates complained, he told them "This isn't
the Ritz/Carlton......if you don't like it, don't come back!"
More On The Arizona Sheriff:
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just
set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living
in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have
been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer
shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their
bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week
before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on
their chests and dripped down to their PINK SOCKS.
"It feels like we are in a furnace", said James Zanzot, an inmate who has
lived in the TENTS for 1 year. "It's Inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago
started making his prisoners wear pink and eat bologna sandwiches, is not
one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates:
"It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they
have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut
your mouths!" Way to go, Sheriff!
Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime
and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes -
not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and
commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers' money and
enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.
There is a lot of information about Sheriff Joe on the internet, and below is just a small selection of the information about him.
Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray
animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department
over, and the County Supervisors said OK.
The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They
feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and
walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal
nutrition and behaviour. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to
adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given
them to the care of prisoners, and had them placed in dog shows.
The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3
million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter
two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health,
and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78.
The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most
would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of
his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the
prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.
I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the
way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge
farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow
most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and
harvesting by hand.
He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer.
It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can
buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the holidays, and plant it
later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.
Yup, he was re-elected last year with 83% of the vote.
Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and
vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on
it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations
and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40
deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his
hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border.
He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff.
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA
COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER. THESE ARE THE
REASONS WHY:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona ), who created the 'Tent City Jail': he has
jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. He
stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights.
Cut off all but 'G' rated movies. He started chain gangs so the inmates
could do free work on county and city projects. Then he started chain gangs
for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.
He took away cable TV until he found out there was a Federal Court Order
that required cable TV for jails so he hooked up the cable TV again; only
let in the Disney Channel and the Weather Channel. When asked why the
Weather Channel he replied, "So they will know how hot it's gonna be while
they are working on my Chain Gangs." He cut off coffee since it has zero
nutritional value. When the inmates complained, he told them "This isn't
the Ritz/Carlton......if you don't like it, don't come back!"
More On The Arizona Sheriff:
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just
set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living
in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have
been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer
shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their
bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week
before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on
their chests and dripped down to their PINK SOCKS.
"It feels like we are in a furnace", said James Zanzot, an inmate who has
lived in the TENTS for 1 year. "It's Inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago
started making his prisoners wear pink and eat bologna sandwiches, is not
one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates:
"It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they
have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut
your mouths!" Way to go, Sheriff!
Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime
and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes -
not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and
commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers' money and
enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.
Wednesday 14 July 2010
A SUMMARY OF LIFE!
My friend sent me a photo today which he had seen and thought was quite thought provoking. He told me that life can be summarised by just four bottles.
How true is that!
How true is that!
Tuesday 13 July 2010
ENGLAND FOOTBALL SHIRT
My friend asked me today if I had seen the new design for the next England football shirt.
'No, what is it like?' I asked.
My friend replied "Instead of the emblem being the three lions they are now going to have the emblem being three tampons"
Slightly bemused by this I asked "why?"
My friend's reply was "the designers thought that this was the best way to represent the worst period of football that England had ever had"
Umm - what could I say to that!
'No, what is it like?' I asked.
My friend replied "Instead of the emblem being the three lions they are now going to have the emblem being three tampons"
Slightly bemused by this I asked "why?"
My friend's reply was "the designers thought that this was the best way to represent the worst period of football that England had ever had"
Umm - what could I say to that!
Monday 12 July 2010
OFFSIDE RULE!
To all women who may be easily offended particulary if you are into womens rights/liberties.....DO NOT LOOK at the picture below, and if you do look and find it utterly 1)patronising 2)humiliating 3)degrading then please don't put a 'moany' comment. I actually thought it was quiet amusing...but must add that the offside rule does not apply in my household!
MOBILE PHONE DESIGN
At last someone has invented a mobile phone suitable for the oldest members of our society!
Sunday 11 July 2010
UNSTABLE FRIENDS
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in
a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in
a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Monday 7 June 2010
COCK!
Well now I have got your attention I thought you might appreciate the following little story.
If you are easily offended please DO NOT read any further than the end of this sentence:
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in
the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners
in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock? '
All the men stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock? '
All the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them? '
Half of the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
Hopefully I haven't offended anyone...and if I have I am really not sorry as I did put up a warning in my second sentence of this blog, and anyway how could anyone be offended by a story about a missing cock!
If you are easily offended please DO NOT read any further than the end of this sentence:
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in
the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners
in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock? '
All the men stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock? '
All the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them? '
Half of the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
Hopefully I haven't offended anyone...and if I have I am really not sorry as I did put up a warning in my second sentence of this blog, and anyway how could anyone be offended by a story about a missing cock!
Monday 15 March 2010
A PARENTAL DILEMMA!
Yesterday I was hit by a question that I hoped would not raise its little head until at least November of 2010.
My nine year old son (just nine) asked me "is Father Christmas real". At the time he asked I had a mouth full of tea which I nearly spat out at such a force that the tea would have hit Wales from here in Suffolk.
Now that was a question that I was completely unprepared for. After controlling the mouth full of tea in an appropriate manner, swallowing rather than spitting it out, I panicked and just smiled at him. What a big mistake to make! Straight away he was off " I knew he wasn't real, you were just lying about him".
Well now I was in deeper than before. How do I get out of this one. It is March not November, I had no 'plan of action' on how to reply to the question. I urgently needed help to get out of this situation.
Thinking fast I asked him "what do you think?". That through the ball back into his court! I expected him to reply " I think he is real". I could have gone along with that and the problem would have been resolved. But no his reply was "I think you are lying" Great,the problem was back in my court!
I thought I would be clever and I asked " well how do think your Christmas presents get here then?". He replied "you and Daddy put them in the lounge, and Grandma and Grandad bring theirs when they come to stay with us".
The conversation went on and on. Then I finally did the one thing I swore I would never do and said "ask your Dad"...and off he went.
I am not quite sure what Dad's reply was but my son came back about ten minutes later and asked " is the Easter Bunny real then?"
So what do I do. Tell the truth that will break his heart or continue with the'lying' (as he calls it).
What a dilemma!
My nine year old son (just nine) asked me "is Father Christmas real". At the time he asked I had a mouth full of tea which I nearly spat out at such a force that the tea would have hit Wales from here in Suffolk.
Now that was a question that I was completely unprepared for. After controlling the mouth full of tea in an appropriate manner, swallowing rather than spitting it out, I panicked and just smiled at him. What a big mistake to make! Straight away he was off " I knew he wasn't real, you were just lying about him".
Well now I was in deeper than before. How do I get out of this one. It is March not November, I had no 'plan of action' on how to reply to the question. I urgently needed help to get out of this situation.
Thinking fast I asked him "what do you think?". That through the ball back into his court! I expected him to reply " I think he is real". I could have gone along with that and the problem would have been resolved. But no his reply was "I think you are lying" Great,the problem was back in my court!
I thought I would be clever and I asked " well how do think your Christmas presents get here then?". He replied "you and Daddy put them in the lounge, and Grandma and Grandad bring theirs when they come to stay with us".
The conversation went on and on. Then I finally did the one thing I swore I would never do and said "ask your Dad"...and off he went.
I am not quite sure what Dad's reply was but my son came back about ten minutes later and asked " is the Easter Bunny real then?"
So what do I do. Tell the truth that will break his heart or continue with the'lying' (as he calls it).
What a dilemma!
Wednesday 10 March 2010
Saturday 20 February 2010
RETIREMENT FOR MEN
I had this picture sent to me today, which I thought was quite wonderful!
I just loved the wording.
I am a bit concerned about how the bench is floating on water though!
Friday 19 February 2010
SLEEP WALKING!
Last night my son, age 9, came down the stairs to my bedroom at 11pm (we live in a three storey house). He was fast asleep. And this is how the next five minutes went:
'Are you all right?' I asked
'Yes' he replied
He shut my bedroom door behind him, looking at it as though it had really irritated him. He turned round and asked
'Can you take me to my bedroom?'
'Yes' I replied, followed by 'but we are on the wrong floor at the moment, you need to go back upstairs'
Wrong thing to say. As far as he was concerned we were on the right floor of the house!. Grabbing my hand I was dragged with force into what he thought was his bedroom..but..no it was the bathroom.
Shaking his head in annoyance he flung his arm around and said 'Could you turn the light on please'. Good to hear the good manners even in a state of sleep.
The light went on. I explained that we were in the bathroom..but no he wouldn't have it.
'It's my bedroom and I need to go to sleep now'
Then this is the funny bit....he walked along a few feet put his leg up into the air as though he was climbing into bed, and actually it was the shower!. He stood there for a minute or two, said nothing, walked back out of the shower, into my bedroom and sat on the bed.
'Would you like me to take you to your bedroom now?' I asked
'Yes please' was the reply.
We walked up the stairs, he climbed into bed, fell asleep, and that was that.
This morning I asked if he had a good nights sleep, and he said 'yes, I was very tired'.
'Do you remember standing in the shower last night?' I asked. He looked at me as though I was a complete idiot!
Isn't sleep walking fun!
'Are you all right?' I asked
'Yes' he replied
He shut my bedroom door behind him, looking at it as though it had really irritated him. He turned round and asked
'Can you take me to my bedroom?'
'Yes' I replied, followed by 'but we are on the wrong floor at the moment, you need to go back upstairs'
Wrong thing to say. As far as he was concerned we were on the right floor of the house!. Grabbing my hand I was dragged with force into what he thought was his bedroom..but..no it was the bathroom.
Shaking his head in annoyance he flung his arm around and said 'Could you turn the light on please'. Good to hear the good manners even in a state of sleep.
The light went on. I explained that we were in the bathroom..but no he wouldn't have it.
'It's my bedroom and I need to go to sleep now'
Then this is the funny bit....he walked along a few feet put his leg up into the air as though he was climbing into bed, and actually it was the shower!. He stood there for a minute or two, said nothing, walked back out of the shower, into my bedroom and sat on the bed.
'Would you like me to take you to your bedroom now?' I asked
'Yes please' was the reply.
We walked up the stairs, he climbed into bed, fell asleep, and that was that.
This morning I asked if he had a good nights sleep, and he said 'yes, I was very tired'.
'Do you remember standing in the shower last night?' I asked. He looked at me as though I was a complete idiot!
Isn't sleep walking fun!
Wednesday 17 February 2010
LATEST CAR RADIO TECHNOLOGY
Designers have come up with the very latest car radio.
You actually ask the radio what you want it to play. I went to test out this new technology.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Micheal' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Jackson or Ball?'
'Jackson!' he continued, followed by the word 'Thriller' and Micheal Jacksons Thriller came from the radio speakers.
Then he said, 'John Denver - Grandma!', and in an instant
'Grandma's Feather Bed' replaced Micheal Jackson..
The test drive continued with me feeling very impressed with the new technology.
Then suddenly a man swung out of a side road (yes a man...No not a woman)and nearly hit the side of the car I was driving. I yelled out 'Ass Hole' and the radio responded instantly with:
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Great Britain,
Mr. Gordon Brown......."
How cool is technology!
You actually ask the radio what you want it to play. I went to test out this new technology.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Micheal' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Jackson or Ball?'
'Jackson!' he continued, followed by the word 'Thriller' and Micheal Jacksons Thriller came from the radio speakers.
Then he said, 'John Denver - Grandma!', and in an instant
'Grandma's Feather Bed' replaced Micheal Jackson..
The test drive continued with me feeling very impressed with the new technology.
Then suddenly a man swung out of a side road (yes a man...No not a woman)and nearly hit the side of the car I was driving. I yelled out 'Ass Hole' and the radio responded instantly with:
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Great Britain,
Mr. Gordon Brown......."
How cool is technology!
Monday 15 February 2010
ADOPT A TERRORIST
I read the following today. How true it is I don't know:
A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being
held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces
who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are
currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National
Correctional System facilities..
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'
program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to
divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
complaint..
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him
overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next
yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless
(in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually)
since he views females as a subhuman form of property..
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over
time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and
religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow
man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
*****************
Minister of National Defence
A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being
held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces
who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are
currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National
Correctional System facilities..
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'
program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to
divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
complaint..
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him
overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next
yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless
(in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually)
since he views females as a subhuman form of property..
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over
time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and
religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow
man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
*****************
Minister of National Defence
Monday 8 February 2010
DETAILS OF THE WOOTON BASSET BIKE RUN
A bit more detail for the run, their Facebook page has the most up to date details. Hope any bikers support it.
Sunday 14th March 2010
The ride will be starting at Leigh Delamere Service Station J17 (eastbound) of the M4. Please start arriving from 10:30am.
Each rider will pay £5 and receive an Afghan Heroes wristband, which will be their entry pass to RAF Lyneham. The lead riders will be leaving at 12 noon promptly. The route will be along the M4 to J16 before heading along the A-Roads towards Wootton Bassett. We will be riding through at a slow speed before continuing along to RAF Lyneham. We are honored that they are opening their gates for us and refreshments will be available.
All those attending RAF Lyneham will require to pre register giving Name, Address, DOB and Bike Registration. This is to enable security clearance to be carried out by the RAF. REGISTRATION CLOSES MONDAY 15TH FEBRUARY 2010. Anyone who does not register WILL NOT be allowed onto RAF Lyneham.
Registration will be through a secure site, this will be posted out on Monday.
We will be riding to RAF Lyneham where there will be a presentation to hand over the funds raised for the Afghan Heroes Charity, set up last September by a group of mothers who lost their sons in Afghanistan.
IF YOU KNOW OF ANY BIKERS WHO WISH TO ATTEND THE RIDE WHO HAVEN’T REGISTERED ON FACEBOOK CAN YOU ENSURE THAT THEY REGISTER ON THE SECURE SITE.
www.afghanheroes.org.uk/bikersevent.asp
Sunday 14th March 2010
The ride will be starting at Leigh Delamere Service Station J17 (eastbound) of the M4. Please start arriving from 10:30am.
Each rider will pay £5 and receive an Afghan Heroes wristband, which will be their entry pass to RAF Lyneham. The lead riders will be leaving at 12 noon promptly. The route will be along the M4 to J16 before heading along the A-Roads towards Wootton Bassett. We will be riding through at a slow speed before continuing along to RAF Lyneham. We are honored that they are opening their gates for us and refreshments will be available.
All those attending RAF Lyneham will require to pre register giving Name, Address, DOB and Bike Registration. This is to enable security clearance to be carried out by the RAF. REGISTRATION CLOSES MONDAY 15TH FEBRUARY 2010. Anyone who does not register WILL NOT be allowed onto RAF Lyneham.
Registration will be through a secure site, this will be posted out on Monday.
We will be riding to RAF Lyneham where there will be a presentation to hand over the funds raised for the Afghan Heroes Charity, set up last September by a group of mothers who lost their sons in Afghanistan.
IF YOU KNOW OF ANY BIKERS WHO WISH TO ATTEND THE RIDE WHO HAVEN’T REGISTERED ON FACEBOOK CAN YOU ENSURE THAT THEY REGISTER ON THE SECURE SITE.
www.afghanheroes.org.uk/bikersevent.asp
Facebook | Bike Run in support of Wootton Bassett: Sunday 14th March 2010
Facebook | Bike Run in support of Wootton Bassett: Sunday 14th March 2010: "www.bmycharity.com/rtwb2010
For any bikers out there this maybe something that you would like to take part in.
I believe that so far 10,000 bikers have signed up for the bike run.
For any bikers out there this maybe something that you would like to take part in.
I believe that so far 10,000 bikers have signed up for the bike run.
Saturday 6 February 2010
SEX AT 70
I was in town yesterday doing the usual shopping with my 'spendaholic' son when I over heard two senior (it isn't PC to say old nowadays!) men having a conversation.
They did all the normal stuff, state of the country, price of petrol, how small their pension was etc,etc. I listened for a while but then they just became a background noise.
After a further five minutes of conversation one of them did a very loud 'Phew'. He had sounded so relieved that I just had to return to listening to their conversation, and this is how it continued. I will start it from the 'Phew':
"Phew" . . . . . . .
followed by a short pause (to get his breath back I think). He continued...
"I have just found out I can still have sex at 70"
Well now my ears were on full listening power. The conversation continued...
"I am so relieved because . . . . . "
Yes this conversation was getting really interesting now.He continued
"as I only live at no 66"
I wasn't quite sure where this conversation was going. He continued...
"it's not far to walk home"
I had to laugh!
They did all the normal stuff, state of the country, price of petrol, how small their pension was etc,etc. I listened for a while but then they just became a background noise.
After a further five minutes of conversation one of them did a very loud 'Phew'. He had sounded so relieved that I just had to return to listening to their conversation, and this is how it continued. I will start it from the 'Phew':
"Phew" . . . . . . .
followed by a short pause (to get his breath back I think). He continued...
"I have just found out I can still have sex at 70"
Well now my ears were on full listening power. The conversation continued...
"I am so relieved because . . . . . "
Yes this conversation was getting really interesting now.He continued
"as I only live at no 66"
I wasn't quite sure where this conversation was going. He continued...
"it's not far to walk home"
I had to laugh!
Wednesday 3 February 2010
OH TO BE A TEACHER!
A primary school teacher was teaching a class of seven year olds and they were studying the sense of taste.
The children were each given a packet of sweets. They were asked to use the colour of the sweets to help identify what the flavour was.
They started with the colour red which was used to represent the flavour of Cherries. This was followed by Yellow for Lemon, Green for Lime and Orange for, yes you have guessed it,Orange.
As a final treat the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.None
of the children could identify the taste.
To help the children the teacher gave them a clue. The teacher said, "It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father"
The children thought for a while. Then one little girl looked up in horror, spat out her Lifesaver sweet and yelled "Oh my God, its an ass-hole"!
Oh to be a teacher!
Thursday 28 January 2010
VW GOLF ADVERT
The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish newspaper
Automobile for Sale
1985 Blue Volkswagen
Only 50 miles.
Only first gear and reverse ever used.
Never driven hard.
Original tyres..
Original brakes.
Original fuel and oil.
Only 1 driver.
Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
Please see the photo below of this car.
Automobile for Sale
1985 Blue Volkswagen
Only 50 miles.
Only first gear and reverse ever used.
Never driven hard.
Original tyres..
Original brakes.
Original fuel and oil.
Only 1 driver.
Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
Please see the photo below of this car.
Wednesday 27 January 2010
'OLD BOLLOCKS' DAY
I was going to start this blog by apologising for it's title, but I have decided that there is no need for an apology.
I have read a couple of news articles today one of which totally rattled my cage, and I asked myself:
Is it about time that we have an annual day off, like a Bank Holiday, from our normal daily duties to consider what are we doing to our children? Should this day be called 'Old Bollocks Day'? from the saying 'what a load of old bollocks'.
The article that really rattled my cage was:
"New pupils should start secondary school in June".
My first thought was fantastic they are going to scrap the hideously long summer holidays - but then I read on, and this is how the article went:
"Children should start secondary school three months early to ease the 'Trauma' of the step up from Primary education, ministers have been told". For me that first sentence prompted the thought 'what a load of old bollocks'. But then there was more
"Pupils should be given extra time to adjust to the more intimidating atmosphere of large schools, older children, mixed timetables and specialist subjects, it was claimed" Yes second sentence - bollocks! and on it continued
"Academics recommended that 11 year olds should move to secondary school in June rather than at the beginning of September, to overcome the negative effects of the transition. Researchers suggested that many children lacked the 'emotional resilience' to cope with the change. The anxiety and subsequent loss of confidence could have serious and permenent impact on their exam results and behaviour"
TRAUMA, NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF TRANSITION, EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE, ANXIETY, IMPACT ON EXAM RESULTS, BEHAVIOUR. - what a load of drivelling Bollocks!
Many generations of children have coped absolutely fine with the transition from primary to secondary school. Did we all suffer trauma, negative effects, anxiety etc. The answer is NO.
It is only now in my mid 40's when I read articles of such a nature that I feel 'traumatised and full of anxiety' as I think what are we doing to our children. It is part of life, part of growing up, part of our progression into adult life to move on to secondary school, so lets just get on with it.
My son was 'traumatised' by falling down the loo when he was first learning to use the 'grown up' toilet for a number 2. Do I wipe his bum for him now - NO - he has learn't to get on with it himself.
For Generations children have left primary school in the July and started at secondary school in the September. Have we generations of traumatised, anxiety stricken adults - NO - we just got on with it .
So why don't the 'academics' study more important things like the fall in standards with the 3R's, or better still why don't they just take time out and reconsider their careers when we have our first UK 'Old Bollocks Day'
Don't pamper our children. Teach them it is a big world out there and they have to learn to deal with it. Let us help them through life with love, care and understanding so that they become confident adults.
The final name of the day will need to be changed as I would not want to traumatise any children by using a rude word and I would not want to cause any feelings of anxiety to the male members of our society by associating the day to their bodily parts.
Sorry, maybe I should have said 'male population' rather than 'male members'!
I have read a couple of news articles today one of which totally rattled my cage, and I asked myself:
Is it about time that we have an annual day off, like a Bank Holiday, from our normal daily duties to consider what are we doing to our children? Should this day be called 'Old Bollocks Day'? from the saying 'what a load of old bollocks'.
The article that really rattled my cage was:
"New pupils should start secondary school in June".
My first thought was fantastic they are going to scrap the hideously long summer holidays - but then I read on, and this is how the article went:
"Children should start secondary school three months early to ease the 'Trauma' of the step up from Primary education, ministers have been told". For me that first sentence prompted the thought 'what a load of old bollocks'. But then there was more
"Pupils should be given extra time to adjust to the more intimidating atmosphere of large schools, older children, mixed timetables and specialist subjects, it was claimed" Yes second sentence - bollocks! and on it continued
"Academics recommended that 11 year olds should move to secondary school in June rather than at the beginning of September, to overcome the negative effects of the transition. Researchers suggested that many children lacked the 'emotional resilience' to cope with the change. The anxiety and subsequent loss of confidence could have serious and permenent impact on their exam results and behaviour"
TRAUMA, NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF TRANSITION, EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE, ANXIETY, IMPACT ON EXAM RESULTS, BEHAVIOUR. - what a load of drivelling Bollocks!
Many generations of children have coped absolutely fine with the transition from primary to secondary school. Did we all suffer trauma, negative effects, anxiety etc. The answer is NO.
It is only now in my mid 40's when I read articles of such a nature that I feel 'traumatised and full of anxiety' as I think what are we doing to our children. It is part of life, part of growing up, part of our progression into adult life to move on to secondary school, so lets just get on with it.
My son was 'traumatised' by falling down the loo when he was first learning to use the 'grown up' toilet for a number 2. Do I wipe his bum for him now - NO - he has learn't to get on with it himself.
For Generations children have left primary school in the July and started at secondary school in the September. Have we generations of traumatised, anxiety stricken adults - NO - we just got on with it .
So why don't the 'academics' study more important things like the fall in standards with the 3R's, or better still why don't they just take time out and reconsider their careers when we have our first UK 'Old Bollocks Day'
Don't pamper our children. Teach them it is a big world out there and they have to learn to deal with it. Let us help them through life with love, care and understanding so that they become confident adults.
The final name of the day will need to be changed as I would not want to traumatise any children by using a rude word and I would not want to cause any feelings of anxiety to the male members of our society by associating the day to their bodily parts.
Sorry, maybe I should have said 'male population' rather than 'male members'!
Sunday 24 January 2010
COMPLAINTS TO HOUSING ASSOCIATIONS!
Again the worldwide web has provided me with a few more laughs!
The following are allegedly sentences in letters written to Housing Associations in the UK.
1. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..
4. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen..
10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50%
are plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it
is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third So please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every
night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I
still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we
can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage
has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.
All very amusing, unless you wrote the complaint, in which case I have great sympathy for your situation, particularly numbers 15 & 16.!
The following are allegedly sentences in letters written to Housing Associations in the UK.
1. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..
4. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen..
10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50%
are plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it
is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third So please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every
night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I
still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we
can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage
has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.
All very amusing, unless you wrote the complaint, in which case I have great sympathy for your situation, particularly numbers 15 & 16.!
Saturday 23 January 2010
UK SECURITY
I just love some of the things that go around on the worldwide web. I thought that the following was pretty funny:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!” Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!” Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Wednesday 20 January 2010
JOB ADVERT
I do not 'get' job adverts like the one below.
I am sorry but ANYONE who is interested in teaching should be invited to a Teacher Taster Course no matter what colour, ethnicity, disability etc,etc. Why separate people out. There is no need for the type of job advert as shown below.
JOB ADVERT
Job: - Black and Minority Ethnic Teacher Taster Course, Education and Teaching, in Ipswich, Suffolk salary not specified
Job details
Salary level: salary not specified
Job type:
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
Closing date: 8 February 2010
Black and Minority Ethnic Teacher Taster Course
Have you thought about a career in secondary teaching?
If you are a graduate, or final year undergraduate, have GCSE (or equivalent) in English
and Maths and are seriously considering becoming a secondary teacher, this three day course could help you to make an informed career decision.
People from black and minority ethnic groups are under-represented in teaching.
This course is specifically designed to help suitably qualified people with a BME background to make an informed career decision.
Two tutored days will cover: * the current context for schools - curriculum * every child matters and extended schools * an introduction to learning, teaching and assessment * roles and responsibilities of members of the school community * the routes to qualified teacher status. A one day placement in a local school provides the opportunity to see teaching in action and talk to teachers.
Applications from under-represented groups are particularly welcomed.
Please lets stop all this political correctness!
I am sorry but ANYONE who is interested in teaching should be invited to a Teacher Taster Course no matter what colour, ethnicity, disability etc,etc. Why separate people out. There is no need for the type of job advert as shown below.
JOB ADVERT
Job: - Black and Minority Ethnic Teacher Taster Course, Education and Teaching, in Ipswich, Suffolk salary not specified
Job details
Salary level: salary not specified
Job type:
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
Closing date: 8 February 2010
Black and Minority Ethnic Teacher Taster Course
Have you thought about a career in secondary teaching?
If you are a graduate, or final year undergraduate, have GCSE (or equivalent) in English
and Maths and are seriously considering becoming a secondary teacher, this three day course could help you to make an informed career decision.
People from black and minority ethnic groups are under-represented in teaching.
This course is specifically designed to help suitably qualified people with a BME background to make an informed career decision.
Two tutored days will cover: * the current context for schools - curriculum * every child matters and extended schools * an introduction to learning, teaching and assessment * roles and responsibilities of members of the school community * the routes to qualified teacher status. A one day placement in a local school provides the opportunity to see teaching in action and talk to teachers.
Applications from under-represented groups are particularly welcomed.
Please lets stop all this political correctness!
Sunday 10 January 2010
NEW IMPLICATIONS OF AIRPORT SECURITY
Question : Do we really want airport security to look like this?
THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY
For those who love the Philosophy of Ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English you will appreciate the following that were sent to me by a freind. My personal favourite is number 8!
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP
SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
11. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
12. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
13. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?
14. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
15. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
16. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
17. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
18. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
19. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
20. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
21. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE AN 'S' IN IT?
22. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
23. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
24. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
25. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME
DISORIENTED?
26. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP
SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
11. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
12. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
13. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?
14. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
15. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
16. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
17. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
18. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
19. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
20. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
21. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE AN 'S' IN IT?
22. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
23. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
24. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
25. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME
DISORIENTED?
26. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Saturday 9 January 2010
GAS SUPPLY
Today our Prime Minister,Gordon Brown,has spoken to reassure his public by insisting that supplies of gas were not running out.
But which gas was he talking about?
Was it the gas required to heat our homes, cook our food - in which case it is now a dead cert that we ARE running low, or was he talking about the gas that he produces - then yes I am sure there is a plentiful supply. At least if it is the latter then we certainly have a minimum of five months supply!
He actually said that "We've got plenty of gas, of course, in our own back yard - the North Sea - and we also have access to the large reserves in Norway and Netherlands via pipelines."
I thought we didn't actually have that much left in our backyard, and we only have access to large reserves in Norway and Netherlands if they allow us. Taps can be very easily turned off at the end of pipe!.
But hey I can sleep well tonight knowing that our Prime Minister, as with everything else, has everything under his control.....
NOT!
But which gas was he talking about?
Was it the gas required to heat our homes, cook our food - in which case it is now a dead cert that we ARE running low, or was he talking about the gas that he produces - then yes I am sure there is a plentiful supply. At least if it is the latter then we certainly have a minimum of five months supply!
He actually said that "We've got plenty of gas, of course, in our own back yard - the North Sea - and we also have access to the large reserves in Norway and Netherlands via pipelines."
I thought we didn't actually have that much left in our backyard, and we only have access to large reserves in Norway and Netherlands if they allow us. Taps can be very easily turned off at the end of pipe!.
But hey I can sleep well tonight knowing that our Prime Minister, as with everything else, has everything under his control.....
NOT!
Tuesday 5 January 2010
DEATH OF OBESITY
I read an article the other day, a part of me was laughing and part of me had a tinge of sadness. The article was about the problems occurring with the burial of obese people.
Some cemetries can't cope with the rise in such burials as each person may have to take up two burial plots. I wondered if they did an offer of Buy One Get One Free? But then I thought no they can't do this as Gordon Brown's Government are about to outlaw such offers (as these offers are the cause of the obesity in the first place), and they would not want to be seen as discriminating against larger people. I later read that some local authorities are actually charging a surcharge on larger plots, and some have installed winches to lower the coffins into the ground!. Can you imagine sitting at the undertakers deciding what colour winch your departed would have wanted!
The shape of coffins is also having to change. Some caskets are now 'cigar-shaped', and one coffin manufacturer has changed the size of its standard coffin to be two inches wider and two inches longer.
Some coffins no longer fit inside a hearse and have to be transported by lorry.
Thinking about what I was reading I saw a major new opening for building companies, that in the recession have had to 'moth ball' themselves could now set up a new venture as Funeral Transportation Directors. The machinery that is no longer being used at the building site could be resprayed black and be given a new lease of life (excuse the pun) and be used for Funerals. JCB would have to rethink their colour scheme, black with yellow lettering rather than the present yellow with black lettering. They maybe able to apply to the Government for a 'Diversification Grant'
Then there are manufacturers of tower cranes who could help out with lifting gear. Ibergruas, a leading Tower Crane manufacturer could get involved. The lowering of the coffin from the flat bed truck could be done to music, of the deceased's choice. If you didn't fancy the indignity of a flat bed truck you could always have a digger that could hold you high in the air as it took you to your final resting place. This would actually save money as you would not require a crane as the digger could just tip you in to your grave.
I know that the subject is not a laughing matter and nor is obesity - so next time we sit filling our faces, watching TV, drinking that bottle of wine let us think of the JCB and the crane that may take us to our final resting place!
Some cemetries can't cope with the rise in such burials as each person may have to take up two burial plots. I wondered if they did an offer of Buy One Get One Free? But then I thought no they can't do this as Gordon Brown's Government are about to outlaw such offers (as these offers are the cause of the obesity in the first place), and they would not want to be seen as discriminating against larger people. I later read that some local authorities are actually charging a surcharge on larger plots, and some have installed winches to lower the coffins into the ground!. Can you imagine sitting at the undertakers deciding what colour winch your departed would have wanted!
The shape of coffins is also having to change. Some caskets are now 'cigar-shaped', and one coffin manufacturer has changed the size of its standard coffin to be two inches wider and two inches longer.
Some coffins no longer fit inside a hearse and have to be transported by lorry.
Thinking about what I was reading I saw a major new opening for building companies, that in the recession have had to 'moth ball' themselves could now set up a new venture as Funeral Transportation Directors. The machinery that is no longer being used at the building site could be resprayed black and be given a new lease of life (excuse the pun) and be used for Funerals. JCB would have to rethink their colour scheme, black with yellow lettering rather than the present yellow with black lettering. They maybe able to apply to the Government for a 'Diversification Grant'
Then there are manufacturers of tower cranes who could help out with lifting gear. Ibergruas, a leading Tower Crane manufacturer could get involved. The lowering of the coffin from the flat bed truck could be done to music, of the deceased's choice. If you didn't fancy the indignity of a flat bed truck you could always have a digger that could hold you high in the air as it took you to your final resting place. This would actually save money as you would not require a crane as the digger could just tip you in to your grave.
I know that the subject is not a laughing matter and nor is obesity - so next time we sit filling our faces, watching TV, drinking that bottle of wine let us think of the JCB and the crane that may take us to our final resting place!
Sunday 3 January 2010
ENGLAND MY ENGLAND
For this post I am not actually going to write anything, I just wanted to put a poem on to open up the year 2010. If you are a person that is offended by the word England then please do not read any further. I am lucky to live in a part of the country where the word can still be used and used with pride.
England my England
Goodbye to my England, So long my old friend
Your days are numbered, being brought to an end
To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh that's fine
But don't say you're English, that's way out of line.
The French and the Germans may call themselves such
So may Norwegians, the Swedes and the Dutch
You can say you are Russian or maybe a Dane
But don't say you're English ever again.
At Broadcasting House the word is taboo
In Brussels it's scrapped, in Parliament too
Even schools are affected. Staff do as they're told
They must not teach children about England of old.
Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw
The pupils don't learn about them anymore
How about Agincourt,Hastings,Arnhem or Mons ?
When England lost hosts of her very brave sons.
We are not Europeans, how can we be?
Europe is miles away, over the sea
We're the English from England, let's all be proud
Stand up and be counted - Shout it out loud!
Let's tell our Government and Brussels too
We're proud of our heritage and the Red, White and Blue
Fly the flag of Saint George or the Union Jack
Let the world know - WE WANT OUR ENGLAND BACK !!!!
You may like to visit the website www.stgeorgesday.com
England my England
Goodbye to my England, So long my old friend
Your days are numbered, being brought to an end
To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh that's fine
But don't say you're English, that's way out of line.
The French and the Germans may call themselves such
So may Norwegians, the Swedes and the Dutch
You can say you are Russian or maybe a Dane
But don't say you're English ever again.
At Broadcasting House the word is taboo
In Brussels it's scrapped, in Parliament too
Even schools are affected. Staff do as they're told
They must not teach children about England of old.
Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw
The pupils don't learn about them anymore
How about Agincourt,Hastings,Arnhem or Mons ?
When England lost hosts of her very brave sons.
We are not Europeans, how can we be?
Europe is miles away, over the sea
We're the English from England, let's all be proud
Stand up and be counted - Shout it out loud!
Let's tell our Government and Brussels too
We're proud of our heritage and the Red, White and Blue
Fly the flag of Saint George or the Union Jack
Let the world know - WE WANT OUR ENGLAND BACK !!!!
You may like to visit the website www.stgeorgesday.com
Friday 1 January 2010
NEW YEARS EVE
Well isn't this night the strangest night of the year. Parties, drinking, friends, food, New Years resolutions etc. It is the night when people that you have lived next to for umpteen years, that don't even know your name (neighbours) suddenly invite you to be their best friend and want you to come to their New Years Eve party! It is the night that every little trouble in your life is suspended for just a few hours in time, then you wake up in the morning and yes - what a surprise - everything is the same only with a bit more washing up to do from the night before!
There are the New Years Resolutions, normally along the lines of lose weight, stop smoking, eat healthier blah,blah,blah - and how long do they all last - yes two weeks if you are really lucky!.
New Years Day arrives. What a strange day that is. Walking out in public and everyone, yes people that have spent the last 364 days walking past you without even lifting an eyebrow to recognise your existence, suddenly hold their heads high and wish you 'Happy New Year', we all return the gesture by wishing them 'Happy New Year' knowing that that will be the only three words that will be spoken to one another during the next 365 days until the next New Year.
There are the people who really do want to celebrate the incoming of the New Year and spend the time with family and friends, for which this time is a special time of year. Families that are getting together after losing a member of their family during the year, for them a time to remember that person and to start a new year afresh.
There are those people who would love to celebrate New Year with their friends but don't actually get included, yes that happens!. They may sit at home just longing to spend some time with old friends or even just to be remembered by receiving just a phone call from them, just so they know that their existence in this world is relevant.
Lets sit down and really think about what a New Year means to us all.
There are the New Years Resolutions, normally along the lines of lose weight, stop smoking, eat healthier blah,blah,blah - and how long do they all last - yes two weeks if you are really lucky!.
New Years Day arrives. What a strange day that is. Walking out in public and everyone, yes people that have spent the last 364 days walking past you without even lifting an eyebrow to recognise your existence, suddenly hold their heads high and wish you 'Happy New Year', we all return the gesture by wishing them 'Happy New Year' knowing that that will be the only three words that will be spoken to one another during the next 365 days until the next New Year.
There are the people who really do want to celebrate the incoming of the New Year and spend the time with family and friends, for which this time is a special time of year. Families that are getting together after losing a member of their family during the year, for them a time to remember that person and to start a new year afresh.
There are those people who would love to celebrate New Year with their friends but don't actually get included, yes that happens!. They may sit at home just longing to spend some time with old friends or even just to be remembered by receiving just a phone call from them, just so they know that their existence in this world is relevant.
Lets sit down and really think about what a New Year means to us all.
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