Thursday 28 January 2010

VW GOLF ADVERT

The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish newspaper

Automobile for Sale

1985 Blue Volkswagen
Only 50 miles.
Only first gear and reverse ever used.

Never driven hard.
Original tyres..
Original brakes.

Original fuel and oil.

Only 1 driver.
Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off

Please see the photo below of this car.


Wednesday 27 January 2010

'OLD BOLLOCKS' DAY

I was going to start this blog by apologising for it's title, but I have decided that there is no need for an apology.

I have read a couple of news articles today one of which totally rattled my cage, and I asked myself:

Is it about time that we have an annual day off, like a Bank Holiday, from our normal daily duties to consider what are we doing to our children? Should this day be called 'Old Bollocks Day'? from the saying 'what a load of old bollocks'.

The article that really rattled my cage was:

"New pupils should start secondary school in June".

My first thought was fantastic they are going to scrap the hideously long summer holidays - but then I read on, and this is how the article went:

"Children should start secondary school three months early to ease the 'Trauma' of the step up from Primary education, ministers have been told". For me that first sentence prompted the thought 'what a load of old bollocks'. But then there was more

"Pupils should be given extra time to adjust to the more intimidating atmosphere of large schools, older children, mixed timetables and specialist subjects, it was claimed" Yes second sentence - bollocks! and on it continued

"Academics recommended that 11 year olds should move to secondary school in June rather than at the beginning of September, to overcome the negative effects of the transition. Researchers suggested that many children lacked the 'emotional resilience' to cope with the change. The anxiety and subsequent loss of confidence could have serious and permenent impact on their exam results and behaviour"

TRAUMA, NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF TRANSITION, EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE, ANXIETY, IMPACT ON EXAM RESULTS, BEHAVIOUR. - what a load of drivelling Bollocks!

Many generations of children have coped absolutely fine with the transition from primary to secondary school. Did we all suffer trauma, negative effects, anxiety etc. The answer is NO.

It is only now in my mid 40's when I read articles of such a nature that I feel 'traumatised and full of anxiety' as I think what are we doing to our children. It is part of life, part of growing up, part of our progression into adult life to move on to secondary school, so lets just get on with it.

My son was 'traumatised' by falling down the loo when he was first learning to use the 'grown up' toilet for a number 2. Do I wipe his bum for him now - NO - he has learn't to get on with it himself.

For Generations children have left primary school in the July and started at secondary school in the September. Have we generations of traumatised, anxiety stricken adults - NO - we just got on with it .

So why don't the 'academics' study more important things like the fall in standards with the 3R's, or better still why don't they just take time out and reconsider their careers when we have our first UK 'Old Bollocks Day'

Don't pamper our children. Teach them it is a big world out there and they have to learn to deal with it. Let us help them through life with love, care and understanding so that they become confident adults.

The final name of the day will need to be changed as I would not want to traumatise any children by using a rude word and I would not want to cause any feelings of anxiety to the male members of our society by associating the day to their bodily parts.

Sorry, maybe I should have said 'male population' rather than 'male members'!

Sunday 24 January 2010

COMPLAINTS TO HOUSING ASSOCIATIONS!

Again the worldwide web has provided me with a few more laughs!

The following are allegedly sentences in letters written to Housing Associations in the UK.

1. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..

4. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen..
10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50%
are plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it
is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third So please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every
night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I
still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we
can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage
has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.

All very amusing, unless you wrote the complaint, in which case I have great sympathy for your situation, particularly numbers 15 & 16.!

Saturday 23 January 2010

UK SECURITY

I just love some of the things that go around on the worldwide web. I thought that the following was pretty funny:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!” Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Wednesday 20 January 2010

JOB ADVERT

I do not 'get' job adverts like the one below.

I am sorry but ANYONE who is interested in teaching should be invited to a Teacher Taster Course no matter what colour, ethnicity, disability etc,etc. Why separate people out. There is no need for the type of job advert as shown below.


JOB ADVERT
Job: - Black and Minority Ethnic Teacher Taster Course, Education and Teaching, in Ipswich, Suffolk salary not specified

Job details
Salary level: salary not specified
Job type:
Location: Ipswich, Suffolk
Closing date: 8 February 2010


Black and Minority Ethnic Teacher Taster Course
Have you thought about a career in secondary teaching?
If you are a graduate, or final year undergraduate, have GCSE (or equivalent) in English
and Maths and are seriously considering becoming a secondary teacher, this three day course could help you to make an informed career decision.
People from black and minority ethnic groups are under-represented in teaching.
This course is specifically designed to help suitably qualified people with a BME background to make an informed career decision.
Two tutored days will cover: * the current context for schools - curriculum * every child matters and extended schools * an introduction to learning, teaching and assessment * roles and responsibilities of members of the school community * the routes to qualified teacher status. A one day placement in a local school provides the opportunity to see teaching in action and talk to teachers.
Applications from under-represented groups are particularly welcomed.


Please lets stop all this political correctness!

Sunday 10 January 2010

NEW IMPLICATIONS OF AIRPORT SECURITY


Question : Do we really want airport security to look like this?

THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY

For those who love the Philosophy of Ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English you will appreciate the following that were sent to me by a freind. My personal favourite is number 8!


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP
SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

11. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

12. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

13. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?

14. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

15. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

16. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

17. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

18. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

19. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

20. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

21. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE AN 'S' IN IT?

22. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

23. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

24. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

25. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME
DISORIENTED?

26. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Saturday 9 January 2010

GAS SUPPLY

Today our Prime Minister,Gordon Brown,has spoken to reassure his public by insisting that supplies of gas were not running out.

But which gas was he talking about?

Was it the gas required to heat our homes, cook our food - in which case it is now a dead cert that we ARE running low, or was he talking about the gas that he produces - then yes I am sure there is a plentiful supply. At least if it is the latter then we certainly have a minimum of five months supply!

He actually said that "We've got plenty of gas, of course, in our own back yard - the North Sea - and we also have access to the large reserves in Norway and Netherlands via pipelines."

I thought we didn't actually have that much left in our backyard, and we only have access to large reserves in Norway and Netherlands if they allow us. Taps can be very easily turned off at the end of pipe!.

But hey I can sleep well tonight knowing that our Prime Minister, as with everything else, has everything under his control.....
NOT!

Tuesday 5 January 2010

DEATH OF OBESITY

I read an article the other day, a part of me was laughing and part of me had a tinge of sadness. The article was about the problems occurring with the burial of obese people.

Some cemetries can't cope with the rise in such burials as each person may have to take up two burial plots. I wondered if they did an offer of Buy One Get One Free? But then I thought no they can't do this as Gordon Brown's Government are about to outlaw such offers (as these offers are the cause of the obesity in the first place), and they would not want to be seen as discriminating against larger people. I later read that some local authorities are actually charging a surcharge on larger plots, and some have installed winches to lower the coffins into the ground!. Can you imagine sitting at the undertakers deciding what colour winch your departed would have wanted!

The shape of coffins is also having to change. Some caskets are now 'cigar-shaped', and one coffin manufacturer has changed the size of its standard coffin to be two inches wider and two inches longer.

Some coffins no longer fit inside a hearse and have to be transported by lorry.

Thinking about what I was reading I saw a major new opening for building companies, that in the recession have had to 'moth ball' themselves could now set up a new venture as Funeral Transportation Directors. The machinery that is no longer being used at the building site could be resprayed black and be given a new lease of life (excuse the pun) and be used for Funerals. JCB would have to rethink their colour scheme, black with yellow lettering rather than the present yellow with black lettering. They maybe able to apply to the Government for a 'Diversification Grant'
Then there are manufacturers of tower cranes who could help out with lifting gear. Ibergruas, a leading Tower Crane manufacturer could get involved. The lowering of the coffin from the flat bed truck could be done to music, of the deceased's choice. If you didn't fancy the indignity of a flat bed truck you could always have a digger that could hold you high in the air as it took you to your final resting place. This would actually save money as you would not require a crane as the digger could just tip you in to your grave.

I know that the subject is not a laughing matter and nor is obesity - so next time we sit filling our faces, watching TV, drinking that bottle of wine let us think of the JCB and the crane that may take us to our final resting place!

Sunday 3 January 2010

ENGLAND MY ENGLAND

For this post I am not actually going to write anything, I just wanted to put a poem on to open up the year 2010. If you are a person that is offended by the word England then please do not read any further. I am lucky to live in a part of the country where the word can still be used and used with pride.

England my England


Goodbye to my England, So long my old friend
Your days are numbered, being brought to an end
To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh that's fine
But don't say you're English, that's way out of line.

The French and the Germans may call themselves such
So may Norwegians, the Swedes and the Dutch
You can say you are Russian or maybe a Dane
But don't say you're English ever again.

At Broadcasting House the word is taboo
In Brussels it's scrapped, in Parliament too
Even schools are affected. Staff do as they're told
They must not teach children about England of old.

Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw
The pupils don't learn about them anymore
How about Agincourt,Hastings,Arnhem or Mons ?
When England lost hosts of her very brave sons.

We are not Europeans, how can we be?
Europe is miles away, over the sea
We're the English from England, let's all be proud
Stand up and be counted - Shout it out loud!

Let's tell our Government and Brussels too
We're proud of our heritage and the Red, White and Blue
Fly the flag of Saint George or the Union Jack
Let the world know - WE WANT OUR ENGLAND BACK !!!!

You may like to visit the website www.stgeorgesday.com

Friday 1 January 2010

NEW YEARS EVE

Well isn't this night the strangest night of the year. Parties, drinking, friends, food, New Years resolutions etc. It is the night when people that you have lived next to for umpteen years, that don't even know your name (neighbours) suddenly invite you to be their best friend and want you to come to their New Years Eve party! It is the night that every little trouble in your life is suspended for just a few hours in time, then you wake up in the morning and yes - what a surprise - everything is the same only with a bit more washing up to do from the night before!

There are the New Years Resolutions, normally along the lines of lose weight, stop smoking, eat healthier blah,blah,blah - and how long do they all last - yes two weeks if you are really lucky!.

New Years Day arrives. What a strange day that is. Walking out in public and everyone, yes people that have spent the last 364 days walking past you without even lifting an eyebrow to recognise your existence, suddenly hold their heads high and wish you 'Happy New Year', we all return the gesture by wishing them 'Happy New Year' knowing that that will be the only three words that will be spoken to one another during the next 365 days until the next New Year.

There are the people who really do want to celebrate the incoming of the New Year and spend the time with family and friends, for which this time is a special time of year. Families that are getting together after losing a member of their family during the year, for them a time to remember that person and to start a new year afresh.

There are those people who would love to celebrate New Year with their friends but don't actually get included, yes that happens!. They may sit at home just longing to spend some time with old friends or even just to be remembered by receiving just a phone call from them, just so they know that their existence in this world is relevant.

Lets sit down and really think about what a New Year means to us all.